i am cool

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 23:59:12 GMT

posting in the livejournal, this is a rare occurance!!!so... OCC has been going GREAT. i try not to think about leaving, it upsets me. so i wont talk about it, but OCC has been wonderful. There are so many oppertunities just waiting to be discovered. So many things I am involved with, I just love it there! I love my campus jobs, I love my relationship with everyone, the VP, the deans, the professors, just everyone. It is so enjoyable! My life has been pretty busy, dont really have time for myself lately... i think I am going to have to quit my job at attilio's. I dont know WHAT to do. I'm sure I will figure it out, it's just getting to be too much and I don't even like it, so why am I there?! I dont know. Everyone's been pissing me off lately, I don't know why, maybe i have a shorter tollerance, but it's not cool... well... i guess that's my update.
-Amanda

Sat, 26 May 2007 14:29:20 GMT

last night
i was destroyed

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 04:48:36 GMT

well... im slowly watching him die. i just got this feeling today that this may be the last time i ever see him. alive. its just so terrible. im going to miss him so much. i am just praying for a miracle every night. today he was taken off the dialysis and put into a hospice. so its just a matter of time basically. but i have all the faith in the world that if this wasnt his right time the big man upstairs wouldnt be taken him. its all according to the plan.

so there's this boy...

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 15:32:33 GMT

advice. if you want to avoid reading just read the convo at the bottom. this is just an intro,

i have liked chris for the longest time. and anyone who has talked to me since november or any time between the start of hs and when i started dating dave, knows that i am crazy about him! well lets start at the beginning. when i was in colorguard way way WAY back when i was in drill next to chris and it was great. i met him we really hit it off and then in october we started to go out. it was wonderful. than a bunch of drama happened i was a stupid freshman and our relationship was over pretty quickly. i have always had feelings for him and we have been amazingly good friends ever since. with an exception of a month or so. we have always seemed to have so much in common and always have a great time together. then when school started last yr he was in my alg. class my chemistry class and my gym/health class it was awesome. he was my lab partner and EVERYONE thought there was something going on between us. we would always be together, he would walk me to 2nd period everyday even tho that was the class we didnt have together. i still got to see him. it was great. i began to like him a lot and he told me he liked me too, but he didnt wawnt to get into a relationship because he wasnt fully over his ex. now does that sound like anyone we know?! YES MYSELF!!! anyways, i understood where he was coming from and figured i should just leave things the way they were. i got involved with this other kid, and that was a waste of time and energy, but chris was never far from my mind. we have been talking a lot lately and he never said he wanted things to change between us, he never said that he was ready for a relationship but we hung out 2 saturdays ago. the 15th. and i really had a blast, (and we ended up making out for like 1/2 and hour and then he forgot his sunglasses in my car so we met up again and made out for another hour or so with short breaks for breaths of air. lol) so it was awesome i had a great time. so then tuesday he i/ms me and asks what im doing i told him going to GA with my friend john. he gets hella jealous and asks to go to a movie in like 40 min. it takes me 20+ minutes to get to the theater and im still in my pjs. but of course i jumped on the idea. we went to see mnster house, and sat way in the back A KIDDY MOVIE IN THE BACK OF THE THEATERS what do YOU think is going to happen. well... he put his arm around me and we cuddled and that was it. then 1/2 way thru the movie he doesnt want to stay and watch it. like wtf? so we went to the mall. and the day was ended by a peck on the lips. it was kinda strange. than last night i try to figure out what we are. because i cant stand the suspense and the thought that we may never be together but i am here ferociously swapping spit with someone who doesnt even care about me.

NotxEnoughOfRup (6:45:41 PM): hey
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from chris (6:45:42 PM): work
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

chris(6:46:37 PM): hey
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:46:51 PM): whats going on
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:06 PM): how was work
chris(6:47:15 PM): alrigt
chris (6:47:16 PM): how
chris (6:47:19 PM): was work
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:22 PM): not bad
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:27 PM): im tired now tho
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:39 PM): can i ask u a question?
chris(6:47:43 PM): what
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:44 PM): what are we?
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:50 PM): i mean are we just friends
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:55 PM): or are we dating
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:48:01 PM): or friends with benefits
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:48:02 PM): or what
chris (6:48:08 PM): idk
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:48:26 PM): well what do you want to be
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:49:04 PM): i just dont know what to make of us
chris(6:49:30 PM): well i'm going to great adventure with my dad
chris (6:49:31 PM): bye
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:49:39 PM): ok
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:49:48 PM): can we talk aobut this some other time then
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from chris (6:49:50 PM): Food

tell me that doesnt sound like he was avoiding the question. but why? please if you think you know tell me because i am CLUELESS! or if you have any ideas.

Mon, 29 May 2006 20:11:29 GMT

just got back from my camping trip...

...well...
if anyone knows me, i am a basketball FREAK. so i went to the basketball courts once everything was set up. there was a bunch of kids playing a game, so i asked to join... they kinda looked at me like... PSHT! IF YOU WANT! but yeah... so they chose captains byt he firsat 2 ppl to make a foul shot.. and i was the 2nd person. captains are supposed to block eachother. so im blocking this 7 foot black guy who is probably kobe bryant in disguise.

needless to say, i was no competition. he like RAN into me knocked me on my ass... and i twisted my ankle =\ . so then saturday all of a sudden out of nowhere i felt like crap. and i threw up. so then sunday morning i feel better, and camping is all about booze and barbecues, so i drank up... woke up today kinda hung over. kinda lame... not to mention i got into a fight with my boss about leaving,and not being able to go to work friday, so yeah... all in all. not worth the battle

-Amanda

Sun, 14 May 2006 16:12:39 GMT

life has been AWESOME lately, found a boy. dont know whats coming up next, dont know if he even likes me. but everytime we talk i get butterflies and i will do anything to say the right thing. i went to the theater comp. fri night, and i had a BLAST he was the host, and during the break we did a lot of talking and then after the show, and plus it gave me an excuse to give him a ginormous hug <3

still havent spoken to jenna, but i i/med her asking her to wish her mother a happy mothers day for me. and then like a half an hour later i hear my phone beep, and i have a voice mail. from her mom. and she kept going on about how much she misses me, and how she hopes we work everything out, and how if theres anything she can do to just ask, and idk, i was sitting in the shoprite parking lot listening to it, and i just bursted into tears, i mean it really touched me, shes so sweet! i really do miss her, but what am i supposed to do, go to her house and hang out w/ her but not jenna? i was thinking aobut stopping by today to say it to her face to face.

so i got my mommy a dozen roses and a necklace. i know. im the best!

-Amanda

Sun, 07 May 2006 03:27:51 GMT

baby sat today
he was kinda cranky but besides that it was cool.
had SAT's, they were prettttttty hard.
watched back to the future, golly, i love that movie.
if you dont know, jenna and i are no longer friends.
i don t know whats the best move for me anymore on that note.
but lets not get into that

i finished my research paper yesterday
twas fun
had this chorus thing
so ms huneke, and ms burke, and ms goodale
twas fun
i met ms burkes sons, HOTTIES
anyways... things didnt work out w/ me and paul
surprise surprise
it was more my fault then his
im just not that interested i guess
i dont want to get hurt.
i guess
idk

well... i guess thats all..
you drove me crazy with your OCD girl your out of your mind, its over. we're over. just like, (something bizarre inserted here)

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 02:44:06 GMT

woohoo. gotta love repeating mistakes, geeze, i never learn.

I'd sail across the ocean, I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could make it to the end, just to see you smile
I'd cross over mountains, I'd travel over plains
I'd walk in any whether, through thick or thin, wind or rain
I could say I love you, about a million times a day
But all my words couldnt decribe, the things I feel this way
Ill take away your sadneess, Ill take away your tears
Ill take away this madness, Ill take away your fears
I know your filled with doubt, I know your filled with stress
But Im willing to prove myself, until the day Im put to rest
You see the full moon float, you watch the crisim sun rise
You watch the glistening stars above, you see the endless blue skies
But all these things in life, natures timeless wonders for all to see
Still fall short in comparason, to your infinit beauty
I know how you feel about the "word", dont say it until its true
But know that when I say it I mean it, I will always Love You
I knew from the day I meet you, even before the talking begun
That you were what dreams were made of, I knew you'd be the one
My search is finally over, for something I thought I'd never find
I just want you to know, that your the only one on my mind <3

written to mua!<3 from paul.

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 02:02:05 GMT

i am so sick of having friends who let me take the blame for things, when i honestly didnt do anything. im so sick of having friends who push you to the edge and cant take the hints, im sick of having friends who you have to remind over and over again to not be a slut(edit: prior situations, not necessarily regarding recent things). im sick of having friends who tell you how much u mean to them and then dont give a shit when they piss you off so much that you need to kick them out of your car.

i hate having friends who knows where the limit is, where your sore subjects are, yet continues to go beyond these boundaries. i hate having friends who dont realize that your life without them would be far less complicated and far more enjoyable.

but hey, i dont have friends like that anymore.

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 22:53:53 GMT

hey guys, havent updated in like forever. but oh well, u'll get over it.

so lets see, i went to pennsylvania over spring break. went camping w/ the family. and i met a boy... his names josh<3 but yeah, things wont work... so we said goodbye and here i am. back to the lack of romance in my life. back to the wanting of someone i can never have again. back to wishing she'd break his heart. i dont know. i mean i love my life. but when it comes to my love life... well it bites!! i dont know what to say... i mean i love my job, my grades are awesome. so school is great, my friends are amazing... especially jenna and marissa, they're always there for me. but when it comes to love... i have no one. i yearn to find the guy that will hold me in his arms and it will feel like nothing in the world matters. the feeling everyone in a relationship explains... if this is all a lie tell me now... or else i will go on forever wishing for something i will never have.

<3/Rup

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 00:47:55 GMT

good stuff,
well.. i have been hanging out with jenna every chance that i get<3 and its been great.

i didnt get straight a's =\. fucking english... b+ but it is possible that i may still have that party. woot woot. i've been madd busy. but whatever its all good. idk what else to say, that was my update i guess.

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 15:12:54 GMT

i cant stop sneezing i think im allergic to something. but what am i around that i have never been around all the time before?

idk. anyways... lets see... i could possibly, maybe, get straight a's on my next report card i have an a in chorus!!! an a in health and a plus in piano lab and like a/b+ in us history and the same for english. if i get straight a's i would go crazy i think i will throw a party! im stoked. its gunna be great, but thats only if i get straight a's

ps the rents dont know this yet, i'm going to be bombarded by love. me and jenna are doing better, we dont resolve any of the conflicts but when she has a bf she is less crazy and more of my sweet and lovable jenna<3 but also when she has a bf there is less time for me. and 2 extremely busy ppl makes 1 tough friendship. i babysat like everyday this week, and worked everyday as usual and went to school. so my week basically consisted of

wake up
go to school
get subway w/ jenna
drop jenna off at her house
work
babysit
home for the first time since 6:30am
hw
sleep

yeah no tv, no comp, no anything... and when i mean thats my schedule i mean i didnt do ANYTHING ELSE no stopping at wawa, no hanging at home for an hour and then subway, NOTHING! but while i was babysitting i did have tons of junk food aka dinner. so yeah i guess u can add that in there, and there was a few days i went to jennas after babysitting. oo man, what a week.

im so proud of myself. im doing great in school, im doing great at work, im babysitting, while keeping a semisocial life. life isnt too bad.

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 04:07:46 GMT

did something very hard today, but i think i made a very good decision. of course i could be just a bitch and leaving a good friend when she needs me most, but i have been there for her for so long, and its never ending... there is nothing that i can do to make things better for her but 290832901830912 ways she can make things worse for me. so im done... =\ its kinda depressing but i had to. and if you dont understand i dont know what to tell you except trust me, idk anymore tho, i mean 'BFF' the forever is gone...
<3/Amanda
hakuna matata

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 23:33:42 GMT

woo hoo new layout, twas fun! hung out with jenna like everyday this week. lets see what else? my piano lab song is pretty hard, but i am ahead of everyone in the class STILL i love it! woot woot! figured i should update... so here it is.

if you wannabee my lover you gotta get with my friends

WHO SAYS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 19:37:41 GMT

did u ever feel like you SHOULD be happy for someone. but ur not, and it makes u feel guilty? thats how i feel. a good friend of mine just got out of a long term relationship and was real upset about it just recently she found a guy who treats her right, and to me seems like a great guy. sounds awesome right?! not really... since she has been with this guy i felt like i have been pushed to the side, like nahh i wanna hang out with *****, amanda can stay home alone.hey amanda lets hang out [an hour later] oh i am going to go out with *****, that means we need to take you home amanda. i know she doesnt mean to do it. but i dont feel like we're close at all anymore. i used to think that i new everything about her give or take and likewise, and now i feel like all i hear about is ***** if u think this is about you, it probably is. it just pisses me off that she would rather be with him making out and whatnot then be with me cracking up about stupid shit. sorry if i hurt anyones feelings i just want advice.

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 23:45:11 GMT

hey guys, i have been thinking. and isnt it weird, how u can get 10832 compliments and then 1 jerk can be a dusche bag and make fun of you, and that's what u listen to. thats what sticks in ur mind. like honestly, the whole school can say "wow u look pretty today" and then 1 person can say "no one likes u, ur ugly and they're just ebing nice" and u think, wow... are they really just being nice? and not the obvious, that that 1 person is just being mean, nothing happened like that, i was just thinking about it, when i am upset for some reason i sit down and take out a pen and paper, and i write. i write words that come to mind, i try to rhyme them and i make a poem... which normally doesnt make much sense. well, the semester has been over since monday, and i dont really like my new classes, its not that im upset of atleast i dont think i am. but last night i just sat down with pen and paper, and thought about all sorts of stuff [mostly paul] but in the end the final product, my whole poem was all about chemistry,and how much i miss it. is that weird or what? idk, i guess i just miss the consistancy and the fact that i was always in that room having fun with someone, mostly jenna, and just so many good memories came to mind, and then i remembered... their MEMORIES, their no longer going to happen, nothing will happen like that again... its over, its the end. its done with. i kinda sorta, wish i failed chem, so then i can retake it. and redo all of that fun. in 8th grade, i absolutely HATED science. i had a NEGATIVE 42 average., me. I DID! can u believe that? well... its true. then i went to a B class for geo phys, and i loved the class. not the people. and def. not the teacher. i just had so much fun, and i did great!. then i went to an A bio class, after a LOT of fighting.[fucking werner!] i was so worried i would suck at life, and fail miserably, i thought maybe werner was right, and i cant succeed in an A class, so i tried it out, and i did great, and i loved it! now i went to chem, and i knew i could do it, and i did, and i had so much fun! like a BLAST! from rainey setting herself on fire, to writing test answers on my per. table to convert to a note to jenna. and so far in hs i think science has been my fave subj. it went from least favorite to favorite within 3 yrs. i think im going to try hon. physics and then i think i might want to be a sci. teacher. idk. im glad i wrote in here how i felt. comment if u want, it was more of a vent then anything. but comments are always appreciated!
HA-Koo-NA Muh-TAh-TAh!(it means no worries!

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 00:09:31 GMT

A is for age:]
17 years

[B is for booze of choice:]
wine coolers.

[C is for career:]
preschool teacher =]

[D is for Dog's Name]
Naaji

[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
computer, mp3, cell, and believe it or not a pen.

[F is for favorite song at the moment:]
tainted love is stuck in my head... so therefore, that will be the one i choose

[G is for favorite games]
guess who! I ROCK at guess who, and i always wanted to double date and play twister, but it never happened. i just think that it would be AWES0ME!

[H is for hometown:]
w. milford

[I is for instruments you play:]
im in piano lab now, but besides that, my voice<3 "YOU ARE THE INSTRUMENT"-mfchase<3

[K is for kids?:]
most def.

[L is for last kiss?:]
haha can u say truck?.

[M is for mom's job:]
bus driver

[N is for name of your crush]
dont have one.

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
none

[P is for phobias:]
cats, heights, failing, being alone, being in another accident.

[Q is for quotes you like:]
"never miss anything from ur past theres a reason it didnt make it to ur future." and... "the only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."[bio room!] and... "learn how to choose better so u have better" and... "moving on is remembering not letting go."

[R is for biggest regret:]
going to middle school. lol.

[S is for status:]
no... s is for single

[T is for time you wake up:]
usually like 6

[U is for underwear:]
wh. w/ little angels on the crotch. lol.

[V is for vegetable you love:]
potato(if thats a vege)

[W is for worst habit:]
biting my lip/tongue

[Y is for yummy food you make:]
bagel bites

[X is for x-rays you've had:]
dental and uh thats it

[Z is for your favorite animal at the Zoo:]
ostrich... FUCKING AWESOME!

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 23:31:48 GMT

so this is my update, im sick, feel like shit. going to dr tomorrow. hope everythings ok. dont know what im going to do about the boy situation. the mor ei talk to him, the more immature he seems. and today he was so disrespectful, just not someone i would want to take home to my parents. but i feel bad. im the reason him and his x broke up and here i am, not interested. i guess i just wanted what i couldnt have, and now that i can have it its not desirable... idk what im going to do, because i really do like him, or at least i did. its just he gets me so annoyed at times, and he seems so arrogant. not 1 of my friends thinks i should go out with him. and maybe they're right. im not the type to do what everyone says i should, but maybe they're right. still getting an A in chem! WOOT WOOT! i drove my car for the 1st time today. it stinks, def have to do something about that. it smells like old ppl. idk. its cool tho b/c its MY car. true its model is the yr i was born, 88, but its MINE no one elses, just mine. i dont have to put the seat back, dont have to put the station back to where it was. i can leave my shit in there, because its MY car. saturday i went to the bowling alley with all of these kids i didnt know, felt kinda left out, 7 kids, 5 had leather jackets on. 3 had mohawks or spiked hair. it was just kinda awkward, but turned out to be awesome. def. had fun! i got a 63 not too shabby!!! well i shall go now.
i am in love with jenna carpenter smith
<3/Amanda

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 06:08:03 GMT

so life has been a lil hectic the boy situation got a lil stressful. he told ppl he was using me for my hw. then broke up with his gf for me. and i was like wtf is with this shit? and he was like i only said that so that ashley wouldnt know i liked u [a girl who wasnt his gf... a THIRD party] so i got a lil mad. but we have been talking he got rid of his mistresses. his x gf like hates me now. and is trying to get all of her friends to hate me if i recollect correctly. so idk what im going to do anymore... i just dont want to get screwed over ya know? so we will be valentines, we promised eachother but idk if i can go out with him. def not yet... i dont think i can trust him yet. idk. we'll see i guess.

-Amanda
p.s. talking is NOT cheating. talking about how we want to be together is NOT cheating, infact the fact he broke up with u makes it even less of cheating. because we DIDNT do anything behind ur back. u know everything. just because u dont like what u hear, doesnt mean we ever took action. so plz go back to all of ur friends and correct ur statements. b/c i still do not believe i did anything wrong.

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 14:17:48 GMT

first update of the new year... woot woot. well... lets start out with yesterday, i woke up at 7 to babysit, i babysat, fell asleep with the kid on my lap. the mom walks in and is like"... so ur sleeping on the job ehh?" but the kid was asleep with me... (heh i slept with a 5 yr old... can u say michael jackson?) idk, maybe i'll get lucky and she will never ask me to do it ever again. nah... i doubt that

so then i get home

i sit down and start watching law and order svu and went online, or if ur my parents i was "working on my portfolio". so then jenna i/ms me and tells me i better hang out with her or she will post pics she took of us having sex all over the web. so i went over there (i hope u know im joking about the pics) and then we rented harold n kumar go to white castle and mr and mrs smith and got some pizza.(dantes has over priced pizza REBEL! DONT GO THERE!) lol. or maybe im just used to getting huge discounts at my pizza place for being the gorgious girl that i am... either way it was $3/slice yeah... anyways... so we get to jennas house watch harold and kumar... FUCKING HYSTERICAL! then i had like an hour left before i had to go. so we decided to not watch the 2nd movie and we wented to go online, but jenna's mom was on the comp. so i was like WE SHOULD STUDY CHEMISTRY and jennas moms like GOOD IDEA AMANDA! and jenna was like ... amanda i am going to murder you... so we went upstairs and studied chemistry, i attempted to relate it to something she can laugh about, because i know she didnt think it would be fun studying on a sat. or anyday for that matter. so yeah i made funny word problems such as "mike has 100 g of semen in his pocket how many atoms does he have?" heh. welll... she got the answer... now lets hope that ones on the test ;]. then i went home and went to sleep. god bless sleep.

today is the 1 yr anniversary of mine and dave's first date. idk. i kinda want that again, i want the feeling of going home after a date and talking to that person for hours, about nothing at all... asking eachother random. and stupid questions to get to know one another. i miss the whole dating thing. i am ready to get back out there. or atleast i think i am. now my problem is that i have pushed away so many guys, led them on for awhile and then pushed them away. i dont know if anyone is really interested in dating someone like me. because i have been doing that for almost a year... i probably have this terrible rep. lol. so i guess what im saying is if u know of anyone who might be interested in me, hook a sister up!? but please make sure he is someone i would look cute with, not some mutant science project looking horn bag. ehh. dont i sound desperate? anyways... im gunna go work on my portfolio... i think... bye

<3/Amanda

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 01:54:49 GMT

so today i was supposed to work 10-closing(5:45ish) but a goddam parent came at SIX TWENTY!!! ugh i was so mad. SO MAD! its so frustrating having 1 parent left, and waiting with 1 bratty kid as ur stomach is growling and every car u see pass is not the car u want it to be!. tomorrow i have to go to work for 7 oclock! why am i such an idiot, why cant i say no to my boss? why do i feel like i will get fired if i say i dont want to come in at 7 over my christmas vacation?! i am such a wuss!. how was everyones christmas? mine was lovely. but now i have a sore throat, and have to work all week =\ well... this has been my update<3
___rup

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 23:29:16 GMT

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 02:15:59 GMT

so today i broke down into tears doing my science project, i saved it til the last minute, and almost finished it... then my retarded computer decided to freeze, i got back on and it said it was recovered so i got all excited but it only recovered the first 2 sentences, and then i almost finished again and it froze and said that i never saved it WHICH I DID! and it got me so upset, because here i am at 9:15 and i just finished a project that i had complete at 7:00. i got into a fight with like my bestfriend, and i still think that i was right, and i guess it wasnt a fight we just dont see eye to eye. and she did some things that i dont agree with, i told her i thought she was heading down a bad path and she took that as me judging her. so now I feel bad, of course it ends up being my fault.

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 00:32:57 GMT

uggh... what was i thinking?!! 1 night of pure insanity followed by drama up the ass for a lifetime!

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 02:24:20 GMT

so i've been really stressed out lately, and for a while i felt like if i write about it in here no one will ever comment and i wont feel any better. but now, i dont really care if anyone comments, because im writing this to vent, and to get my feelings out. and if u want to know whats going on in my life read it. if u want to give me feedback... comment. but i shouldnt post only for comments,

that being said... chorus has gotten me to the point where i am ready to quit, i thought that i liked it and i used to. then i stopped liking singing and i liked the music theory. but now i feel like it doesnt matter that i am great at the music theory if i cant be amazing im bound to fail. i have been in concert choir since september. and i believe i am a bertter musician than most of those girls. but because they have a pretty voice, they will get further in that class. and because their head is stuck up mrs chase's ass they will go further in that class. i have been struggling on the alto part. and monday i stayed after with mrs chase. she told me she would work on it with me and if i dont improve she has no choice but to move me to chorus 2 [i already took chorus2] but i said okay thinking that i will improve, and she will give me enough time to improve. wed i get called down to guidance and she put me in chorus 2 i havent even seen her since that conversation, and already she made up her mind that im not improving. so i was in a whole new gym class wed. with a bunch of people i do not care for. and monday i am going to be in a whole new chorus class with no one i know.

i hate it. i hate the feeling that she gives me. she makes me feel like im terrible when i know im not. and now i dont want to be in that gym and i want to switch out. but the only way i can do that is magically improve a bunch or switch out of chorus... which i have been thinking about. but chorus has been the only thing i have done for all of hs so far. and my college resime is gunna look like shit.

which gets me to my next point. mike emmons is getting a full scholarship to practically any college he wants. and he has like a 1.5 GPA can u tell me how that is fair? just because he can run fast? and that is 1 thing that really bothers me alot lately. why should i work my ass off for and get good grades, when i can just train and be a good athlete and fail everything and then not have to pay for college. i dont see how that is fair. i feel life getting much unfair lately. work has been good. i have been falling asleep like 3 sec after i get home everyday. i have like no time to do homework. thank god for bus rides and channel 1. i havent studied in god knows how long. and i can see it showing on some of my tests. i have been overly sensitive lately, and i cant take how everyone wants to hang out with me, and has all of this free time. and expects me to take off of work to hang out with them... i'm sorry but the world revolves around money and why am i going to spend money to go hang out with u when i can sit on my ass and watch kids and make MORE money. not to mention save the money i would have spent by hanging out with you? if u read this i am proud of you! you obviously care somewhat about how i feel. if u didnt well... oh well.
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im feeling much better now thanks for your time