i am cool

posting in the livejournal, this is a rare occurance!!!so... OCC has been going GREAT. i try not to think about leaving, it upsets me. so i wont talk about it, but OCC has been wonderful. There are so many oppertunities just waiting to be discovered. So many things I am involved with, I just love it there! I love my campus jobs, I love my relationship with everyone, the VP, the deans, the professors, just everyone. It is so enjoyable! My life has been pretty busy, dont really have time for myself lately... i think I am going to have to quit my job at attilio's. I dont know WHAT to do. I'm sure I will figure it out, it's just getting to be too much and I don't even like it, so why am I there?! I dont know. Everyone's been pissing me off lately, I don't know why, maybe i have a shorter tollerance, but it's not cool... well... i guess that's my update.
-Amanda

last night
i was destroyed

well... im slowly watching him die. i just got this feeling today that this may be the last time i ever see him. alive. its just so terrible. im going to miss him so much. i am just praying for a miracle every night. today he was taken off the dialysis and put into a hospice. so its just a matter of time basically. but i have all the faith in the world that if this wasnt his right time the big man upstairs wouldnt be taken him. its all according to the plan.

advice. if you want to avoid reading just read the convo at the bottom. this is just an intro,


i have liked chris for the longest time. and anyone who has talked to me since november or any time between the start of hs and when i started dating dave, knows that i am crazy about him! well lets start at the beginning. when i was in colorguard way way WAY back when i was in drill next to chris and it was great. i met him we really hit it off and then in october we started to go out. it was wonderful. than a bunch of drama happened i was a stupid freshman and our relationship was over pretty quickly. i have always had feelings for him and we have been amazingly good friends ever since. with an exception of a month or so. we have always seemed to have so much in common and always have a great time together. then when school started last yr he was in my alg. class my chemistry class and my gym/health class it was awesome. he was my lab partner and EVERYONE thought there was something going on between us. we would always be together, he would walk me to 2nd period everyday even tho that was the class we didnt have together. i still got to see him. it was great. i began to like him a lot and he told me he liked me too, but he didnt wawnt to get into a relationship because he wasnt fully over his ex. now does that sound like anyone we know?! YES MYSELF!!! anyways, i understood where he was coming from and figured i should just leave things the way they were. i got involved with this other kid, and that was a waste of time and energy, but chris was never far from my mind. we have been talking a lot lately and he never said he wanted things to change between us, he never said that he was ready for a relationship but we hung out 2 saturdays ago. the 15th. and i really had a blast, (and we ended up making out for like 1/2 and hour and then he forgot his sunglasses in my car so we met up again and made out for another hour or so with short breaks for breaths of air. lol) so it was awesome i had a great time. so then tuesday he i/ms me and asks what im doing i told him going to GA with my friend john. he gets hella jealous and asks to go to a movie in like 40 min. it takes me 20+ minutes to get to the theater and im still in my pjs. but of course i jumped on the idea. we went to see mnster house, and sat way in the back A KIDDY MOVIE IN THE BACK OF THE THEATERS what do YOU think is going to happen. well... he put his arm around me and we cuddled and that was it. then 1/2 way thru the movie he doesnt want to stay and watch it. like wtf? so we went to the mall. and the day was ended by a peck on the lips. it was kinda strange. than last night i try to figure out what we are. because i cant stand the suspense and the thought that we may never be together but i am here ferociously swapping spit with someone who doesnt even care about me.


NotxEnoughOfRup (6:45:41 PM): hey
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Auto response from chris (6:45:42 PM): work
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chris(6:46:37 PM): hey
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:46:51 PM): whats going on
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:06 PM): how was work
chris(6:47:15 PM): alrigt
chris (6:47:16 PM): how
chris (6:47:19 PM): was work
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:22 PM): not bad
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:27 PM): im tired now tho
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:39 PM): can i ask u a question?
chris(6:47:43 PM): what
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:44 PM): what are we?
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:50 PM): i mean are we just friends
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:47:55 PM): or are we dating
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:48:01 PM): or friends with benefits
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:48:02 PM): or what
chris (6:48:08 PM): idk
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:48:26 PM): well what do you want to be
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:49:04 PM): i just dont know what to make of us
chris(6:49:30 PM): well i'm going to great adventure with my dad
chris (6:49:31 PM): bye
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:49:39 PM): ok
NotxEnoughOfRup (6:49:48 PM): can we talk aobut this some other time then
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Auto response from chris (6:49:50 PM): Food


tell me that doesnt sound like he was avoiding the question. but why? please if you think you know tell me because i am CLUELESS! or if you have any ideas.

just got back from my camping trip...

...well...
if anyone knows me, i am a basketball FREAK. so i went to the basketball courts once everything was set up. there was a bunch of kids playing a game, so i asked to join... they kinda looked at me like... PSHT! IF YOU WANT! but yeah... so they chose captains byt he firsat 2 ppl to make a foul shot.. and i was the 2nd person. captains are supposed to block eachother. so im blocking this 7 foot black guy who is probably kobe bryant in disguise.

needless to say, i was no competition. he like RAN into me knocked me on my ass... and i twisted my ankle =\ . so then saturday all of a sudden out of nowhere i felt like crap. and i threw up. so then sunday morning i feel better, and camping is all about booze and barbecues, so i drank up... woke up today kinda hung over. kinda lame... not to mention i got into a fight with my boss about leaving,and not being able to go to work friday, so yeah... all in all. not worth the battle

-Amanda

life has been AWESOME lately, found a boy. dont know whats coming up next, dont know if he even likes me. but everytime we talk i get butterflies and i will do anything to say the right thing. i went to the theater comp. fri night, and i had a BLAST he was the host, and during the break we did a lot of talking and then after the show, and plus it gave me an excuse to give him a ginormous hug <3

still havent spoken to jenna, but i i/med her asking her to wish her mother a happy mothers day for me. and then like a half an hour later i hear my phone beep, and i have a voice mail. from her mom. and she kept going on about how much she misses me, and how she hopes we work everything out, and how if theres anything she can do to just ask, and idk, i was sitting in the shoprite parking lot listening to it, and i just bursted into tears, i mean it really touched me, shes so sweet! i really do miss her, but what am i supposed to do, go to her house and hang out w/ her but not jenna? i was thinking aobut stopping by today to say it to her face to face.

so i got my mommy a dozen roses and a necklace. i know. im the best!

-Amanda

baby sat today
he was kinda cranky but besides that it was cool.
had SAT's, they were prettttttty hard.
watched back to the future, golly, i love that movie.
if you dont know, jenna and i are no longer friends.
i don t know whats the best move for me anymore on that note.
but lets not get into that

i finished my research paper yesterday
twas fun
had this chorus thing
so ms huneke, and ms burke, and ms goodale
twas fun
i met ms burkes sons, HOTTIES
anyways... things didnt work out w/ me and paul
surprise surprise
it was more my fault then his
im just not that interested i guess
i dont want to get hurt.
i guess
idk

well... i guess thats all..
you drove me crazy with your OCD girl your out of your mind, its over. we're over. just like, (something bizarre inserted here)

woohoo. gotta love repeating mistakes, geeze, i never learn.

I'd sail across the ocean, I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could make it to the end, just to see you smile
I'd cross over mountains, I'd travel over plains
I'd walk in any whether, through thick or thin, wind or rain
I could say I love you, about a million times a day
But all my words couldnt decribe, the things I feel this way
Ill take away your sadneess, Ill take away your tears
Ill take away this madness, Ill take away your fears
I know your filled with doubt, I know your filled with stress
But Im willing to prove myself, until the day Im put to rest
You see the full moon float, you watch the crisim sun rise
You watch the glistening stars above, you see the endless blue skies
But all these things in life, natures timeless wonders for all to see
Still fall short in comparason, to your infinit beauty
I know how you feel about the "word", dont say it until its true
But know that when I say it I mean it, I will always Love You
I knew from the day I meet you, even before the talking begun
That you were what dreams were made of, I knew you'd be the one
My search is finally over, for something I thought I'd never find
I just want you to know, that your the only one on my mind <3

written to mua!<3 from paul.

i am so sick of having friends who let me take the blame for things, when i honestly didnt do anything. im so sick of having friends who push you to the edge and cant take the hints, im sick of having friends who you have to remind over and over again to not be a slut(edit: prior situations, not necessarily regarding recent things). im sick of having friends who tell you how much u mean to them and then dont give a shit when they piss you off so much that you need to kick them out of your car.

i hate having friends who knows where the limit is, where your sore subjects are, yet continues to go beyond these boundaries. i hate having friends who dont realize that your life without them would be far less complicated and far more enjoyable.

but hey, i dont have friends like that anymore.

hey guys, havent updated in like forever. but oh well, u'll get over it.

so lets see, i went to pennsylvania over spring break. went camping w/ the family. and i met a boy... his names josh<3 but yeah, things wont work... so we said goodbye and here i am. back to the lack of romance in my life. back to the wanting of someone i can never have again. back to wishing she'd break his heart. i dont know. i mean i love my life. but when it comes to my love life... well it bites!! i dont know what to say... i mean i love my job, my grades are awesome. so school is great, my friends are amazing... especially jenna and marissa, they're always there for me. but when it comes to love... i have no one. i yearn to find the guy that will hold me in his arms and it will feel like nothing in the world matters. the feeling everyone in a relationship explains... if this is all a lie tell me now... or else i will go on forever wishing for something i will never have.

<3/Rup